Why You Keep Having the Same Argument Over and Over Again
It’s not about the issue—it’s about the cycle underneath it.
You say something.
They respond defensively.
You raise your voice.
They shut down.
And just like that… you’re in it again.
The same argument, in a different outfit.
Maybe it’s about parenting, plans, priorities, or something as small as forgetting to pick up the groceries. But no matter the topic, you always seem to end up in the same spot: misunderstood, hurt, and disconnected.
If that sounds familiar, I want to tell you something really important:
You’re not broken. You’re stuck in a cycle.
Most Couples Repeat Fights—Because They Repeat Patterns
It’s easy to believe that the problem is the issue itself—like money, chores, sex, or communication style. And while those topics matter, they’re often just the surface layer.
What’s really keeping the argument alive is the underlying emotional cycle you both get pulled into—over and over.
Here’s what it might sound like:
“I try to express how I feel, and they shut down.”
“I just need reassurance, but they always get defensive.”
“They say I’m too much, and I feel like I’m not enough.”
That’s not just a fight.
That’s a pattern.
This Cycle Has a Life of Its Own
In therapy, we call this the negative cycle—and it becomes the enemy in the relationship. Not each other.
One person pursues. One withdraws. One shuts down. One pleads. Both protect.
And suddenly, you're not even talking about the original issue anymore—you’re both just trying not to get hurt.
The more this cycle repeats, the more emotionally unsafe it feels to even try.
So you both start walking on eggshells… until someone explodes or implodes. And the cycle spins again.
Where This Comes From (Hint: It’s Not Random)
These patterns aren’t about being dramatic or cold.
They’re rooted in your attachment system—how you’ve learned to survive emotional disconnection.
Some people get louder when they’re afraid of being pushed away.
Some people get quieter when they’re afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing.
Neither is “bad.”
They’re just different responses to the same core need: to feel safe, seen, wanted, and understood.
How Therapy Helps Break the Cycle
When I work with couples, the first thing I look at isn’t the argument—it’s the emotional rhythm beneath it.
Together, we:
Identify your cycle (so you can see it coming)
Slow it down (so you don’t get swept up in it)
Learn new ways to respond, reach, and repair
Using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we start making the shift from fighting each other to fighting the cycle together.
And from that place?
Real change happens.
It’s Not About Never Fighting—It’s About Learning to Reconnect
Conflict isn’t always a sign of failure.
Sometimes it means you’re both trying—but without the tools or safety to get through to each other.
The goal of therapy isn’t to eliminate every disagreement. It’s to help you recognize the cycle, interrupt it with care, and build a stronger bond—even in hard moments.
Ready to break the cycle?
Let’s work together to shift the pattern, rebuild trust, and create space for real connection.
